My inner monologue while scrolling through Bumble: “No. No. No. Wait. No. Ulch I used a Backtrack. No. No. Yes…and we ma—okay no match. No. No. No. He’s cute but he’s got a really crummy job and I don’t know if I can see myself kissing him so….No.” That’s a sliver. Today I swiped through over 2,000 profiles between POF and Bumble. It’s been a while since I did a ‘weird flex’ like this, but it’s Thanksgiving and there’s plenty of dudes in their late 20’s and early 30’s zoning out on Bumble and making matches with pretty girls.
I’ve had a couple matches today, but none that have spawned any conversation. It’s like an obstacle course. First you find someone worthwhile to look at so you swipe, mission accomplished. Next step you match, a greeting is sent, look at you go! Then you wait for a reply. If you make it pass that hump you’re probably in the clear to talk for at least two minutes before starting to slowly ghost one another deciding there’s a tilt of his one front tooth that’s making you crazy in his third picture or that he thinks you have no sense of humor. Give each other a fair chance? Two minutes? Maybe not, but that’s the type of resume dating society we’ve got right now. Look at my profile it’s like a resume all one page neatly typed and representative of me also my best headshots. I’d say you’ve got a good 15 seconds tops before I swipe one way or the other. Majority of the times, less. My visual control panel in my mind and eye are set with my motor skills to be timely and productive making swiping to the left and right which is the most minimal of jobs to have to do with the least amount of energy exhausted.
I haven’t texted/heard from the Dude in about 24 hours. I’m trying REALLY hard to stop myself from texting him, I HAVE to make him come to ME because I’m worth more than being a little chasing puppy.
I may hit a bar this weekend and see if I can meet anyone. Maybe there’s some shows (concerts) I’d be interested in attending. This online stuff is consistent and plentiful but slow. I think I’ve got enough audacity now to start up a conversation with a guy at a bar. Problems I face at this idea are this: 1. I’m not a drinker, I don’t like hang overs. 2. I’d probably go alone, and that sounds kinda creepy and unsafe. 3. I’d be too nervous if someone came to talk to me that I wasn’t interested in. What do you do?! Saturday night there’s likely an 80’s alt rock night at this bar downtown. I might go to that. Need to watch my finances too…ah 32, this is what it’s like, huh?
If anyone ever told me I’d be 32 years old and freaking out because I’m crying over some Dude who doesn’t treat me with much respect and getting my eyelash extensions wet that I got just an hour earlier and I’m not supposed to get wet for 48 hours (How Legally Blonde am I right now?) I’d say, “I can see it… but… nahh” and now I’ve lived it and it just reminds me that you have no idea what’s coming your way. I’ve sort of numbed myself out, I had sent some texts and never got responses, I tried my hand at meaningful conversation. I contrived an opportunity for questions to be asked and answered, but alas, no response. I realized I must look like such an idiot, and annoying and clingy. If it were another party facing me and I were in his shoes I’d be annoyed. Why on earth would I choose to be that way to someone I liked?
So what do you have to tell yourself in this position? “For the first time in your life, just shut the hell up.” And so that’s the game plan. I’ve meant for it to be, but there’s that fluttery part of my heart that just wants to talk and touch ventricles and make magic and I’ve been favoring it lately to no results other than self criticism. So now we do our best and deliver the silent treatment. I should be chased after, not be the one chasing after anyone. There’s nothing about this guy that makes him more important than myself, so I should probably stop treating him like he is.
If you think you made shitty choices this past weekend, let me tell you how pathetic my Saturday morning choices were. I woke up to this text from a couple hours earlier than I was up that said, “Are you free later this morning?” And the adrenaline just shot through me and I wanted to just yell, “YES!” and I said I was going to get ready and head over the hour drive to his neighborhood. This is it I’d be thinking. Finally I get my day with him. My hours, my anything. So I started texting when I was out there. 3, 4, 5 hours pass and on the 6th I finally left his city back to my own. No answers. While I was there I did some journaling and walked through a forest preserve in the cold and got a hot coffee which is unusual for me, the ice queen of coffee preparation. I even started watching videos to learn card tricks. I can do one of them fluidly now.
Knowing it’s the holidays and that they’ll be together laughing and drinking and whatnot and I’ll probably fake a migraine excuse out of seeing my own family and thinking about how badly I want to spend time with him and have no control over anything other than the amount of or lack thereof speech I share with him in the meantime.
So Happy Thanksgiving.
Option 1 –
Swipe through 100 guys. If you find one you swipe right on you can then decide to start counting again from 0 or you can keep counting toward your 100 depending on how vastly irritated you are with your second job here looking for somebody.
Option 2 –
Find five matches a day. This will either be randomly very easy or very hard. You may go through over 200 profiles before this occurs.
Depending on my mood is my style for the day. POF has the same faces again and again and the new ones don’t do anything for me for the most part, so it’s been a DRY ocean out there. And then there’s Dude who I was briefly talking about and he seems to have made himself a lost cause, even as a friend, so I had to mourn that this weekend. And on top of having pneumonia, crying is REALLY rough. And guess what, it’s ‘normal’ to cry but does not feel good. I’ve been struggling through depression for a long time but it’s coming now in this thick gooey phase where it just sticks and no matter how mindful or what cognitive behavioral skills I use on myself it’s still like going through a jungle with no map armed with a walking stick.
So what to do. Honestly, what CAN you do? Make your quota for the day in profiles, go through the sites until you run out of options, try again later in the day or tomorrow. It’s literally a second job. And if I were to find someone on an app at least it would take my mind off of my loss. Which is his loss. But he doesn’t seem to get that. Oh well. I know I’m not the only lonely person out there, but heartache is just the roughest of all the pains you can possibly have. There’s no cure for it ‘but time’ and screw THAT answer.
Rumination. We do it, our default mode is to spit out thoughts. When we focus on something else our cognician shifts and we can be mindful in our task. So seeing as how that last post though being tremendously cathartic did not bring me my intended response (which was a text from the Dude). What is he thinking? Oh my GOD he must think I’m a psycho. Maybe he’s just like, ‘she’s a f’n rad writer, man’. But I don’t know, and that bothers me which leads me to pick a behavior. I’m TRYIN’ to swing the quiet vine today but it gets hard. Think, what if things DID work out? That’s what I’m trying to do, but I’m also breathing cobwebs and sneaking through spiky rock formations of manifested anxiety in the meantime.
How do you get a guy off your mind? #1 – Memes
I went through so many up and down dates and pseudo relationships since I last posted that I figured upon returning to my tribal storytelling grounds that I would mention only 4 stories.
The first would be the shortest, a little fling I had with a Canadian in town for a week long road trip was about a month ago. My life since then has been a concrete mixture of frustration and endorphins and serotonin and pain. Tim, the Canadian is now a reference for me in time. “In Tim time, it hasn’t been so long…” and so on.
There have been nice dates, dates that ended in the sailor getting deployed a month from the day we met for drinks and he was more looking for a good time than a long lasting connection with someone, the dates that were spontaneous and in trucks and between appointments and some dates that were not so good like when this dude pinned me against the wall like ten seconds after meeting him and was the sloppiest kisser I’ve ever known so much so that I told him one of the reasons I was not interested in him was because he was just this god awful kisser.
So…it’s been about 2 months since I’ve been divorced…by the “I” situation guy. The one who popped in and out and only talked to me on Snapchat. Remember him? Well we did that for 7 months. Then one day he invites me to take a look at his Twitch. I do, I dig around on his social media, I find out da da da daaa, he’s got a girlfriend. And a baby with her.
My next move was simple, I opened up a tab on Facebook messenger and sent him two finger gun emoji’s. I saw he blocked me promptly after. Now at this point he probably should not have blocked me for that would have likely fueled the fire for me to want to contact HER and admit the affair with her boyfriend I was having for 7 months and hoping it was going to get more serious. I waited two months, and I’ve tried texting him and calling and I know I’m never hearing from him again. That Alice in Wonderland door is officially shut.
So, what’s the last story? This Dude. That’ll be his name, ‘Dude’. That’s the last 5 months, going on 6 now I think. We met up in my first and only hook up first date, not, all the way, but we had the wine AFTER the messy stuff. He would pop up more infrequently than “I” would, but still would, usually at inopportune times, and at one point I saw he had a lot of IG pictures with this one girl and then it became clear he’s dating someone, which he told me on that same day I had the epiphany that he was dating someone (and she is PRETTY which is SO ANNOYING too. You just want your love rival to look like a troll or something so you can flaunt how damn hot your ass is compared to hers…) my heart fell down so low I felt like I was in high school all over again and my biggest crush was just not into me. Like I hadn’t had a low blow feel like that in a long time. But I saw this Dude a couple times after that. One of these times we spent an entire night together and it was eye opening and risk taking and heart warming and adrenaline spiking and he told me when I asked him why didn’t he pick me that it was ‘bad timing’. And he ‘wanted to make this work’ and I asked him how and he said, “I don’t know”. And after that he returned back to his world and his life and I’m beating myself up for being this lame lioness.
I’m a Leo, of course I want to hunt. I want you to love me so that I can love you, come into my rotation. But when I’m hunting I’m not being hunted and I’ve come to make it feel like it’s diminishing my social worth. However, I want to be true to my own fire and text if I want to get attention because it’s an attention seeking behavior. I haven’t figured out what lever as the mouse to pull in order to get the cheese but in speaking terms that I haven’t figured out how and when to really pull this guy’s attention so I can have at least a friendship with him, anything is better than nothing, right? But are my texts annoying? Are they not to the point enough? Do I tend not to branch out and try other types of intro messaging?
You’re seeing the behavior so what you need to do is reinforce behaviors that are desirable. So let’s say (scientifically speaking through my career vocabulary), you want me to shut up. You can reinforce me in a socially desirable way by texting me, “You” when you’re thinking about me. That little kind action will help curb my attention seeking behavior. It will also make me feel really good. Even though I’m worth a full statement, “I’m thinking of you” both satirically and literally I’ll take what I can get. All behaviors are modifiable.
But was this reinforcing enough for you to text me?
I am lacking in male attention that I once was getting. I was averaging a date a WEEK! And then at some point I stopped trying AS hard to get dates and focused more on getting back to work. In that time I drove out 50 miles to see someone who I had second thoughts about when I got there then said I forgot I had to do something important that was time sensitive, and I left. I drove 50 miles back and felt relieved. Then he started talking to me again. So we did end up meeting up and it was as awkward as I figured it’d be, we got tacos, it was okay, like going out with an acquaintance (which is basically what dating is) and that was it, we both could tell we weren’t into each other and hadn’t talked since.
I went on a couple other 1 hit wonder dates that weren’t even so exciting they were worth mentioning. I also saw my dissapearing date who seemed to arise every 2 weeks, though it’s been about a month now and haven’t heard a thing from him. In a way it’s upsetting, but it is what it is, and after that first week it gets a lot easier to handle the feeling of abandonment.
So yes, my ex and I had been together during the winter for a brief time and things had started at 1 and escalated to 100 during that time, then it crashed and he said he had no time for a relationship and ended things with me. He got irritated with my texting him while he was busy (and irritable) at work and we stopped talking. Then we picked it up again a couple weeks ago. He asked if I wanted to come by and I did.
We talked the whole time and it was very ‘normal’ feeling in the sense that we were comfortable with each other and would talk and listen to music like the ‘olden days’ and at the end of the night I thought, “alright, well we can be friends, not sure if I like that but that’s neat” then he kissed me twice when I said goodbye. I was THRILLED!
Then I barely heard from him for a week. Mixed signals if you ask me. He asked if I’d like to see him again another night and I went and we kissed a lot more, but nothing was talked about one way or the other about what the heck we were doing. He was in a bad mood that night so I didn’t even want to bring it up.
Then more on and off conversation over facebook as I saw his status messages pop up and waited for his replies in messenger. He asked me over the other night to celebrate his birthday but then he got called into work. So, since then haven’t talked to him though I have messaged him.
The thing is I’m not sure if I even want to be with this guy again in a full blown relationship. I feel like there’s a lot of things that long term could hurt a relationship that he does and I’m fine letting myself not get invested in something that I know isn’t even remotely stable right now. I’m dating him at least, but not frequently, and the lack of communication between seeing each other really plays it down. My biggest thing is that I feel not-so-special due to the lack of communication, and that really bums out the whole experience.
So, I’m working overtime usually these days and focusing on that. I mess on Bumble and POF here and there but haven’t made it the second job that it once was. The need for men’s attention to feel good has diminished, though sitting tired in the dark on a Sunday thinking about maybe getting it all out in a blog and then hawk-eyeing on POF, I do miss a good bit of attention right this moment. Though I’ve told myself this in the past when it comes to all things including relationships both good times and bad – This too shall pass.
And that gets me through the rough moments and helps me appreciate the good ones.